Entry 01

Today,

I’m thinking that you should stay away. Or I should stay away. Whichever. You know how some people say they wear their heart on their sleeve? Well I ripped mine out and I walk around with it in my hand, blood dripping down all the way to my elbow, that ugly pulsing thing. I scare myself sometimes you know. What a complicated, ugly, silly girl. A dressed-up wound.  

I’m laughing at myself. You unlovable creature, don’t you know they only want the dressed-up part?  

I tell myself that I should really put my heart back in my chest. Or throw it on the sidewalk. I don’t know. Again, whichever. But I feel an urgency to leave it behind because it is starved and full of pushpins. I can’t hold it any longer. The blood is drying up. I need to put it down. I need to wash my arm. How am I still so trusting of a new race that has long ago went forward while I stay here? Sometimes I wonder why God decided this is the time I should be alive in. Or does a soul like mine suffer no matter what century it is?

Anyway, no one’s here to save me. I know that. I just wish I was a better person. Or that kindness and honesty didn’t make you the fool.